Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
