dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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