There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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