exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I don't deserve a penis
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
