Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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