My friends, they love my intelligence
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
