i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
