sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
