And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
