i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
