dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
