I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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