Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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