Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
