My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And then my night got REAL pukey
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
