either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
