I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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