So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
