I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
