Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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