I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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