Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
