READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
