dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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