I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
