my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
