I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
