chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
