i jhust puked up my retainher.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
