Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Randomize
