your parents love me but you hate me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
