Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
