he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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