I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
