Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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