I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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