We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
