I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
