Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
