I'm going to rape someone's good day.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
