Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
