He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
