whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
