whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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