the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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