I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
