Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
