My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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