And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
