Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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